Oh, Man in the Moon”
“Oh, man in the moon, send an evening star to wink at my dreary eyes, and I shall make a wish for a peaceful world that spins with no more lies.
Oh, man in the moon, send the night’s cool breeze to lull my leery heart, and I shall cast my fears to the wind with ease, and watch them all depart.
Oh, man in the moon, send the sandman’s dust to rest my weary soul, and I shall slumber in happy dreams until the morning bells do toll.”
She was a woman who made mistakes, who sometimes cried on a Monday morning or at night alone in bed. She was a woman who often became bored with her life and found it hard to get up for work in the morning. She was a woman who more often than not had a bad hair day, who looked in the mirror and wondered why she couldn’t just drag herself to the gym more often; she was a woman who sometimes questioned what reason had she to live on this planet. She was a woman who sometimes just got things wrong.
On the other hand, she was a woman with a million happy memories, who knew what it was like to experience true love and who was ready to experience more life, more love and make new memories.
What was it like to love him? Asked Gratitude.
It was like being exhumed, I answered, and brought to life in a flash of brilliance.
What was it like to be loved in return? Asked Joy.
It was like being seen after a perpetual darkness, I replied. To be heard after a lifetime of silence.
What was it like to lose him? Asked Sorrow. There was a long pause before I responded:
It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me—said all at once.”
People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.”
With all the recent information, this month has felt overwhelming. I’ve been taking some time to process, and in the meantime, treat myself. Small things cheer me up.
Flowers. You want to put a smile on my face? Bring me a flower. Convenient stores have rose for $2.00 at the checkout next to the candy bars.
Olive Garden. The best salad ever, the best garlic bread ever, and yummy lasagna. What could I want more?
Cleaning. Organizing my drawers or deep cleaning a room allow me some silent time with my thoughts while making things tidy. It’s good for my soul. Granted, sometimes cleaning will actually put me in a bad mood.
Puppy cuddles. Luckily, Scooby is great at cuddling. Not for long, though.
Phone calls. Sometimes, a quick conversation with a good friend to vent or come up with a solution is extremely helpful and will leave in a better mood.
Sweet tea. I’ll blame my southern roots, for this one. I finally have a non-liquor alcoholic beverage to have with dinner, and it makes me happy.
Queso. I love tortillas with some cheese dip. A lot of the things on the list are food.
Journaling. I don’t remember to journal often, but when I scribble my thoughts down, no matter how illegible, I sometimes feel a sense of relief, and I have an easier time letting things go.
Makeup hauls. Whether it’s a quick trip to Ulta or a Sephora package at my door, splurging on some new makeup makes my heart happy.
The right music. I can’t ever pinpoint what music is going to put me in a good mood at the time, but when it happens, it’s awesome. And sometimes, it’s not even “happy” music.
Planning. Most of the time, if I’m feeling down or overwhelmed, giving myself a plan for the next day makes me feel better. I also tend to make a lot of lists.
What cheers you up on a bad day?
I think one of the worst feelings is not being wanted by the one you love. Yet, you try to deny it. You’re putting your hopes up by remembering the slightest signals he gave you.
And it fucks you up every time: knowing he doesn’t love you but not accepting it.
If you are going to fall in love with me, It’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with. You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, and my tendency to jump to conclusions. You fall in love with my troubled past, my unrealistic hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and my perception that nobody could ever love me.
But you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing is that you’ll be falling in love with who I am. And I hope that’s enough for you, I really do
If she’s too good for you, my God, don’t leave her. Make an effort to be good enough instead.
A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life.
Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.
We stood there, looking at each other, saying nothing. But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything. In his eyes, there was no trace of what had happened between us earlier and I could feel something inside me break.
So that was that. We were finally, finally over.
I looked at him, and I felt so sad, because this thought occurred to me: ‘I will never look at you the same way again. I’ll never be that girl again. The girl who comes running back every time you push her away, the girl who loves you anyway.’
I couldn’t even be mad at him, because this was who he was. This was who he’d
always been. He’d never lied about that. He gave and then he took away. I felt it in the pit of my stomach, the familiar ache, that lost, regretful feeling only he could give me. I never wanted to feel it again. Never, ever.
Maybe this was why I came, so I could really know. So I could say good-bye.
I looked at him, and I thought, ‘If I was very brave or very honest, I would tell him.’
I would say it, so he would know it and I would know it, and I could never take it back. But I wasn’t that brave or honest, so all I did was look at him. And I think he knew anyway.
‘I release you. I evict you from my heart. Because if I don’t do it now, I never will.’
I was the one to look away first.”
How many times have you tried to talk to someone about something that matters to you, tried to get them to see it the way you do? And how many of those times have ended with you feeling bitter, resenting them for making you feel like your pain doesn’t have any substance after all?
Like when you’ve split up with someone, and you try to communicate the way you feel, because you need to say the words, need to feel that somebody understands just how pissed off and frightened you feel. The problem is, they never do. “Plenty more fish in the sea,” they’ll say, or “You’re better off without them,” or “Do you want some of these potato chips?” They never really understand, because they haven’t been there, every day, every hour. They don’t know the way things have been, the way that it’s made you, the way it has structured your world. They’ll never realise that someone who makes you feel bad may be the person you need most in the world. They don’t understand the history, the background, don’t know the pillars of memory that hold you up. Ultimately, they don’t know you well enough, and they never can. Everyone’s alone in their world, because everybody’s life is different. You can send people letters, and show them photos, but they can never come to visit where you live.
Unless you love them. And then they can burn it down.”
“lover, n.
Oh, how I hated this word. So pretentious, like it was always being translated from the French. The tint and taint of illicit, illegitimate affections. Dictionary meaning: a person having a love affair. Impermanent. Unfamilial. Inextricably linked to sex.
I have never wanted a lover. In order to have a lover, I must go back to the root of the word. For I have never wanted a lover, but I have always wanted to love, and to be loved.
There is no word for the recipient of the love. There is only a word for the giver. There is the assumption that lovers come in pairs.
When I say, Be my lover, I don’t mean, Let’s have an affair. I don’t mean Sleep with me. I don’t mean, Be my secret.
I want us to go back to that root.
I want you to be the one who loves me.
I want to be the one who loves you.”
It’s just about 10am and I’m about to crawl out bed. But I had to blog. Well, because, I’m afraid of forgetting. Forgetting what my birthday felt like, and forgetting what it feels like to be alive. To have a group of people ensure my birthday was filled to the brim with perfection. And it was.I give Thanks to my husband-in-training who gave me a birthday dinner I wouldn’t forget. Family, love and laughter. Followed up with singing happy birthday and cupcakes. Pretty much awesome. Squared.
(later today) it’s back to business as usual, but until then, here’s a few snapshots of dinner and the ending of my birthday night…
Just from the glimpse of these photos you can tell these things one it wasn’t my normal party for two, and We ate at Olive Garden. And what you can’t tell just by looking at these photos is these people are just my immidate family (Boyrfriend-mom-siblings-niece&nephews-and the 2 laws) and also my birthday was MAY 4TH A Wednesday which makes it perfect for celebrating the week almost being over 🙂 AND THAT MAKES ME A #Taurus
John Swansburg wrote, “Seems like a nice idea, the birthday dinner. It is not. It is a ok, wretched affair. It is also an extravagantly expensive one. In these wintry economic times, we need to scale back. I hereby propose that the birthday dinner go the way of the $4 cup of coffee, the liar’s mortgage, and the midsize banking institution.”
That’s taking things a little too far. I had a great time celebrating my twenty-sixth birthday. The food was great. And so was the company. But I got what the author was saying when he wrote,
“Your typical birthday dinner is around 10 guests strong. Given a group of this size, you can safely assume there will not be an itemized accounting of who ordered what come bill-paying time—it requires too much math and is usually adjudged to be not in keeping with the celebratory nature of the event.
That why Rusty took the liberty of paying for everyone at dinner tonight. He got so much joy out of seeing me smiling with my family surrounding me that it was more than a birthday gift it was an honor to him. That why I give Thanks to him for making my birthday wish to spend time with my loved ones come true. ♡
BESIDES- seeing my mama’s face like this as Rusty paid the check is priceless.
She thought she was paying for our $246.18 bill at the local Olive Garden for her babygirl and her other three children plus her Grann kids and not to mention her adoptive son-in-law and her own husband.. just a few days before Mother’s day.. haha I think not. You see I already knew my mom wanted to pay but no-no She deserves to be treated with a nice dinner with her family; just like I do. So, I didn’t mind sharing my Big day with her, especially because without this beautiful woman there would be nothing to celebrate.
krystals04world 